i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
