i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
