We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
