I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I wish there were birth control emojis
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
