i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
