Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
