Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
