i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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