I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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