You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
