I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
