I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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