How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
