Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
