just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
