I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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