A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just forgot I was standing up.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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