So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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