you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize