everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
