Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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