Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
