You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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