I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
