I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
