He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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