I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If I die, sorry about rent.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
