She tied me up with her honor cords...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
