Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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