Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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