I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
