Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
