I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
