So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
