You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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