Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
