Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize