that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
and you fell through a lawn chair
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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