I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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