i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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