she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize