A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
