I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
