is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
