If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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