i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
