It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
