There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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