I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
