I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
