i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
