You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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