Swine flu. Run for my life!
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
