Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
