She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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