On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize