Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
