My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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