Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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